The Absolute Mind-Boggling Problem in the 21st Century: Dating

My housemates and I have been talking about this recently because there’s constantly back-and-forth from guys and girls being like ‘they give mixed signals, I’m so confused’ or ‘I don’t know what they want and I don’t want to seem needy by asking them’. The reality is (from what I’ve learned) is that the dating world is pretty well non-existent, there’s a very long list of steps before anyone can say they’re dating someone.

I have cracked the code of ‘dating’, ‘seeing someone’, whatever you want to call it and I’ve figured out the steps to eventually getting a boyfriend/girlfriend. Most people seem to think there’s a fine line between seeing a person more than three times to WOAH OMG RELATIONSHIP ALARM BELLS HELP. Honey, there’s a looooooooong way to go and I’m going to explain everything, you’re welcome in advance.

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Step 1: Scoping the Situation
Whether you’ve spotted them on Tinder, you’ve caught their eye on the dance floor or you’ve awkwardly stared at their beautiful features during a lecture you have already considered the possibilities of how you could talk to them. If all else fails you can pray that the dimmed lights in Angel Lane, Crush or DIE will aid you in your quest for greatness.

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Step 2: Shifting them on a night out
Well done my friend, you made it! You made it past step one which means anything is possible for you if you believe hard enough. At least know that you’ve locked lips on the dance floor that they might have been thinking the same thing about you whether it was before or during the night out when they spotted you across the dance floor. 

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Step 3: After shifting them, chatting them on Facebook
Before you have heart palpitations about writing to them, you may as well as you can move on if nothing pursues. If they reply at all it means they probably don’t 100% regret what happened the night before and means that you’re on a good enough path and they actually see you as a human person instead of just a body. You may be able to move to the next step but proceed with caution. LOOK OUT FOR VAGUE ANSWERS THOUGH, because I hate to break it to you, they’re not that into you.

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Step 4: CASUALLY Shifting and Chatting

Don’t forget the word casually because without the word it all seems very serious doesn’t it? This is when you have an agreement that when you guys are out and you’re off gallivanting with friends and they end up leaving you all on your lonesome. You’ll text and meet up for the casual shift because it’s casual. I mean, meeting up beforehand would just be weird right?

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Step 5:  CASUALLY Having sex and chatting on nights out

Okay maybe you were a little scandalous and skipped the other few steps on that beautiful night out where you met with your prince charming/ darling princess. Or perhaps you’ve moved beyond just shifting on your signed agreement.Either way it’s an arrangement where you have sex when you’re out with your mates and it removes the pressure of having to pull someone on a night out. Not too bad. Not too bad.

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Step 6: CASUALLY Having sex all the time

So instead of just having sex after nights out, you could be having sex during nights in. You can start chancing not wearing makeup due to the circumstances when meeting up and you basically get sex whenever you want. That doesn’t seem like too bad an option does it? THIS COULD BE THE FINAL STOP ON THE TRAIN OF LOVE FOR 90% OF YOUR CHANCED LOVE LIVES, BE PREPARED FOR AN ABRUPT ENDING.

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Step 7: CASUALLY Having sex and hanging out in daylight inside

So it’s basically step 6 but it means that there is a longer time period to which you can spend time together. It basically means just slouching in your room during the day and doing whatever you want. Whether it’s a movie marathon or just having sex for the entire day. Either way, it’s a sign that they enjoy your company as well as the physical stuff which is a good sign. This is also a good vibe to be in. It’s not too serious contrary to popular belief.

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Step 8: CASUALLY Having Sex and hanging out in daylight outside at convenient times (meeting in college etc.)

This is pure casual because it’s the same arrangement as step 7 however, it means you can break out of the shell that are your respected bedrooms. It doesn’t mean you necessarily plan to meet up though because this is strictly casual so you can’t be making plans and dates for things, that stuff is too serious and being casual is cool! Remember that folks!

Basically, if you happen to be in the same place and the same time with similar time to spare you can go for coffee while you guys wait for your next lecture and friends won’t think too much of it particularly housemates since they see you together all the time. So its not too serious and there’s not a huge amount of pressure.

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Step 9: CASUALLY Having sex and having organised hangouts in the evenings

Okay so pretty much at this point it’s all just minor changes to the previous step but for some weird reason our generation sees this as a completely different scenario but bear with me.
It’s Step 8 but you plan to do things in the evening, whether it was to see the new bond film or you’re just looking for a new place to make out in. Cinemas have got you covered… in darkness.

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Step 10: CASUALLY Seeing each other 

Now don’t be alarmed because if you make it to this stage it’s nothing new to your friends. Everyone knows at this stage and they’ve probably said it behind your back before you guys even admitted it to yourselves. At this point it’s probably old news and to be quite honest no one really cares.But for some reason it’s a big deal.

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Step 11: CASUALLY Seeing each other with friends (as a meeting) 

Okay so instead of leading your significant other away from your crew, it’s time to integrate. It’s not too bad usually because most of the crew  know at this stage from stalking his/her Facebook profile and reading all the messages between you guys. I mean, you have to get the nod of approval before you send the all important messages throughout the day right? It just means you have a bigger crew to hang around with and get to look at that pretty face while you do it.

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Step 12: CASUALLY declaring you like each other

Since romance is dead, you guys probably did this over a few too many drinks while you were helping each other walk home. But yeah, telling someone you like someone in this century is pretty much like a marriage proposal *cue rolling eyes* you don’t want to believe it but it’s true.
It’s probably something you’ve held in a while or you just knew and didn’t feel like saying it. Either way you’ve probably been going for a while so if you got this far without having feelings then you are one leading asshole.

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Step 13: CASUALLY telling your parents

You accidentally blurt out a story you and your significant other experienced and now suddenly you are getting a million questions about their entire life story because they’ve never heard the name before. Don’t forget to mention to your parents that it’s ‘nothing serious’ and you know a ‘casual thing’ because you don’t want them to have heart palpitations because it’s not a real relationship because it’s casual. IT’S A CASUAL THING I SWEAR.

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Step 14 and you final step: Fuck it, it’s pretty much a relationship now isn’t it?

By now, enough time has passed and you may accidentally mention your significant other as your girlfriend/boyfriend to your mates. You both know you like each other to the point that you sometimes witness the most unholy, weirdest, slightly psychotic things from them but you enjoy their company and they probably make you happy so is it really a bad thing?
So it’s pretty much a relationship now but don’t forget to make it official on Facebook!

 

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So there you have it, if you’ve experienced this or know someone who is constantly wondering where they are in their situation you are welcome. You are so welcome and I wish I hadn’t had to sit for a hour and distinguish the different stages but hey I got a 1,500 word post over it so all is well!

As always have a great day everybody!

4 thoughts on “The Absolute Mind-Boggling Problem in the 21st Century: Dating

  1. Mike says:

    Hi
    I have read every single steps above there, I was wondering what if you truly Love Someone and always have an eye contact to them a lot and even having Chance of talking to them. What would be the best way to start conversation with them.

    Like

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